Police were just in my backyard to recover a loaded .38. What the fuck?????
I bet him anal if they won...the one time Detroit decides to win, it had to be this week
Dude, she literally just asked me if her mac'n'cheese makes me horny. I think I found the one.
lol i'm looking through my photos and there's this giant section of just dudes wearing murses
Drunk cheerio confetti may seem like a brilliant idea when your drunk, but believe me, the next day, its a horrible, horrible mess.
i have officially banned the recreational use of bayonets.
I took your mattress from your bed. Don't ask questions. Love you. See ya later.
This 35 year old just told me that he was headed to the dance floor and it was about to get real dangerous......was that an invite?
she fell THROUGH the wall. All in all id have to say that my neighbors where pretty chill about it tho.
when I was walking home I wad so excited to see a cat on the sidewalk but it was really a traffic cone
Hey what you doing tonight?
Working at the hospital! So hurt yourself and come visit :)
See you in about a hour
found my cat trying to steal a lighter to hide away for himself. cat what are you doing. don't pocket my lighter.
When I came she triumphantly exclaimed, "MUAHAHA VICTORY IS MINE!"
....I just did my boss
I love you. And I will hold your hand as we skip on the road to hell.
Clearly the Stanley Cup Finals good luck hand job IS necessary. You let the whole team down.
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