My milkshake brings 85 to 90 percent of the boys to the yard
jersey shore has given me a vivid depiction of what things will be like for me once i get to hell
He literally had no idea who I was, so he made me turn around 360 degrees and when he saw my ass, he blurted out my first AND last name.
I've only been here for an hour and I've already made 6 babies cry.
Happy Birthday
I just masturbated to the audio from my psych lecture . . . this screwing my prof fantasy is getting serious.
You can't be mad because the taco bell people like me and not you. I'm not the one that puked in front of them.
So my niece decided to play "lets make shapes out of your bruises" with me and told me that one of them looks like a shark bite. Bravo, sir. Bravo.
do you remember when we thought we were both knocked up by the same guy like two days apart and would have half twins? Thats a best friend moment.
Our lady landlord called. Dot worry, I handled it. Drunk. Tell her it was Nate. Done. Good. Bye. Drunk.
I fell asleep after the worst sex of my life and now I'm snowed in with him. SEND HELP. CALL FEMA. GET ME OUT OF HERE.
The last time I went to Vegas and the sun started to rise, my copilot went home with her nipples pierced.
New drinking game, drink every time Rhianna says "Work" in her new song.
three of my fingers are bleeding and the only thing on my phone rn is a google search of 'Allison Janney'
I just found a baklava I forgot I got last night so we can call it a day
Dude i just passed out while getting head...she cried
Randomize
