I seriously love my fucking boobs. They are so boobs.
He just posted pic of sad weiner and half a butt cheek. That is it. I HATE online dating.
And now we have yet another reason to never travel to Detroit
I'll just tell her I'm here with you picking out a buttplug for her to say "I'm sorry".
There's a person in my phone named motor boat. I love making new friends.
it wasn't sex so much as.....a disastrously uncomfortable sexual experience
Remember that time i gave you head on MY birthday and you made me stop so you could watch the rhino part in 300
The party invite said "this ain't no lame stoplight party, you come to hookup or you don't come" I feel like their honesty deserves out attendance
Not to mention having our pick at the ensuing sausagefest
He's writing a strongly worded email to Trojan right now
I TOLD YOU THE BARESKIN CONDOMS WEREN'T AS RELIABLE.
He was respectful of both me and my One Direction calendar.
I ACCIDENTALLY HOOKED UP WITH A GUY WHO HAS A NICHOLAS CAGE POSTER ABOVE HIS BED I CANT HANDLE LIFE.
The universe is either telling you 1. you make terrible decisions or 2. its time to let go of your hatred of Cage.
Haha it's harder than you'd think to come up with ways to turn your penis into a Christmas drawing
He found his first fuckbuddy I'm so proud I feel like making him a card or something
Also I told several people at the bar last night that my dad the alligator wrestler died wrestling an alligator. So if anyone asks that's real.
You drunkenly said something along the lines of "move forever" to the lady standing in your way. Needless to say you had too many mimosas at breakfast.
Randomize
