I woke up this morning in your mom's car... any ideas?
What's everyones problem with my costume?!
It looks like a unicorn came on your face.
i'm unexpectedly in a limo, eating poutine. the driver just offered me coke. good idea?
I wasn't pimping you out... I was helping you network!
my friend asked What a UTI was in front of everyone, letts just say his girlfriend was a lil pissed
The best was having to tell my 16y/o cuz and her bf that we could see him fingering her in the inner tube. Lucky for them, I'm the cool cousin... and was river-level fuckedup.
i think you're the only person in the world who masturbates to food network.
Yeah I had to push her down the hallway to the hotel room in a luggage carrier. The guy at the desk told me goodluck
I think the camel was justified in biting me.
my roommate just showed me the scar on her forehead... that she got from a shake weight... That. just. happened.
Turns out Edward 40 hands and life-sized jenga is really hard...Didn't stop you from trying. How is your concussion?
If you get any calls give me a heads up. Im drinking rum in my underwear on the back porch.
After you smoke one night. Just whisper in a barely audible voice, "Grey Poupon"
so this maintenance guy stood at the corner of my cubical and scratched his balls for like a full minute cause he thought no one could see him
My liver can't handle being unemployed!
Randomize
