seriously iPhone. stop autocorrecting all my fucks into ducks. you're making all my strong worded texts look harmless and adorable.
I just used a tire swing as a toilet. I think I'm gonna pass out here so I can see the look on the first kid who uses it in the morning.
I woke up this morning with a bag of pepperonis in my bed.... and my facebook status was "pepperonis"
on a brighter note, the strip club found my atm card
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I'm fucking an ugly guy. Don't come home.
well now I have to
Dipping doritos in Grey Poupon. Why does no one treat me like the lady I am?
The drag queen we did coke with is going to be on Ru Paul's drag race. I feel so proud.
Holy crap, church bells in Cibolo just scared the hell out of me. I'm pretty sure they were yelling sinner at me.
Fun fact: drinking me now steals weaponry
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I have this rep as a wingman for a reason. I'm like a poon caddy. "You might want to use a 9 iron on this hole. "
My night has consisted of googling cat penises and creating a Tinder profile.
This Asian instant coffee I found in ur kitchen is like crack. Who knew I could feel my heart beating in my asshole after one cup of this happiness.
whered you go
woke up in a ditch, shat infront of a little league game, slept in her stairway...i need to come here more often
Stranded. In bathroom stall. No toilet paper. I repeat NO TOILET PAPER! Assistance needed asap. GO! GO! GO!
So, is Canada considered an excessive distance to go for a booty call? Asking for a friend...
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