i gained so much weight this year, i put on my string bikini underwear and couldnt see the string anymore! i hate my life.
yeah seriously, fuck school. I'm changing my master's thesis question from "what are the neuropsychological correlates of antisocial personality" to "will my cat drink this beer"
there was a trapeze. enough said
I puked off the balcony.
Not horrible
Into the hottub. There were six people in it. I had eaten all their pizza.
Don't worry. I just took 2 benadryls and beat off. I'm practically sleep texting
i've noticed that whenever i have to ask myself "would i be doing this if i was sober?" the answer is probably no.
I was trying to make tacos and friends but there was a major language barrier.
If he really loved his girlfriend then he'd wear a condom when he fucks me.
Never thought I'd say this but I just want to go home, ice my balls, and pop a Vicodin.
I apologize for being mean. I love the blender and your vagina.
This is not a costume party, I'm just wearing fairy wings.
Of course you are.
The landlord wasn't even off the porch yet and she was packing a bowl, I can't imagine a better best friend
I just noped my wife on Tinder. Turns out I was the second one to find out that we both have it.
you bit my nipple really hard and then looked at me and said 'i feel responsible for the state of your nipples'
So I think my motto should be "losing bras and dignity every weekend" but like in a really amazing way
Randomize
