I mistook a propane tank for a keg.
doing shots has become such a natural thing to me that i just instinctively swallowed listerine
you came back at 4am in a suit jacket and a half eaten burrito...
My T9 text prediction thing keeps predicting every next word is going to be "midgets".
Why do I feel like the only way for this trip to end is alcohol poisoning?
My right arm is handcuffed to my leg... Please help.
i have learned 4:30 is too early to start pregamming for the midnight harry potter
I knocked myself out momentarily last night when I fell and hit my head off of my jewelry box while trying to take his pants off... while he was passed out.
He wanted to drink hypnotic from my butt crack. I need to move out this state.
What's the mantra for Sunday?
I will not have sex with him.
I didn't want to fight, I just wanted to tell you to fuckoff.
That's probably why white girls drink so much espresso. Piledriving coke and vodka crans takes a fucking toll man
I woke up at her place in a kids bed hearing Sesame Street. She doesn't have kids!
Your participation in the democratic process makes me horny AF
I asked what it takes to be a good delivery driver, my new boss said "always keep these in your vehicle" as he handed me a flashlight and a blunt. I'm going to like this job.
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