just to let you know, don't open your linen closet for a while until i come over with a cleaning kit and geek squad
my mom is pro-life. I dare you to fuck me.
if pee wee herman would have taken a snuggie to the movies he wouldnt have gotten caught
we just did breakfast shots, I have a black eye and savage garden is on . Best weekend ever
I let my cat eat the pepperonis off of my pizza while I was still eating it. That's the level of tequila drunk I got last night.
God I adore you.
Oh that's what I forgot last night.. To make out with her.
Another day, another engagement, another cat
We just had a 30 min argument on the actual birth date of Jesus, it ended in my brother and ain't cursing each other and an 8 yr old answering it by using Siri.
So I saw her today...and it was weird...she is just like not pregnant anymore.
Dude...how high are you? of course she isnt pregnant anymore...thats what happens when you give birth
No offense, I mean I'm sure you rocked my world and all but I don't remember.
She said she wouldn't get out of hand. When the cops showed up she jumped off the 4ft high porch and fell into a ditch. She then buried herself because she was wearing light pants and though the light from the cops flashlights would reflect off her pants. We couldn't find her for 40 minutes.
He was gunna drive a half hour for a makeout sesh. Time to take the diapers off and learn about the wonders of the penis, dude
Wanna go on a picnic?
... by picnic I mean wanna sit on a blanket and drink with me?
I accidentally put Bacardi in my coffee this morning. I ain't even mad.
Dude, I just turned down sexual favours because I need to study... What the fuck is wrong with me?
Randomize
