I may or may not have slept in someones apt on your street because they told me I was fun sized like a mini snickers
it was like his penis was on wheels.
For a whole 2 minutes you were convinced you were talking to my voicemail
Oh I also wanted to thank you for leaving your list of porn sites on the coffee table. Very entertaining.
Im in his room watching him sleep. Im going to try and jerk off and not get caught by the nurse.
Don't worry about it. Anal sex isn't always sunshine and wildflowers.
We had a 30 min conversation last night about whether or not to bone that girl with a lisp to see if she moans with one...
Just saw a cougar do the walk of shame. She asked housekeeping where the fastest elevator was.
Bad news. I baked you a cake and one of my fingernails is missing.
I put you to bed and you would not go unless I let you sleep with the vodka
Had to immediately delete the Bevmo email because I can't even look at an email about alcohol right now.
Got stiff armed by the garbage man on the back of the truck...I just wanted to ride one block dude
Fuuuuuck dude, he’s got #Excel in his Facebook bio; I’m screaming
You're going to literally shit your fucking unholy pants when Jesus rides in with his dual light-sabers on his velociraptor and cleaves you in half.
New life goal: Sex in a parking lot surrounded by a circle of fire.
Randomize
