her orgasm sounded like a fucking walrus crying.
the people next to us in line are buying a 12 pack and a snuggie
I think the waitress doesn't beleive I have friends coming. I've had 4 drinks and a large salad just waiting for you guys.
swears the blind dude on this train is faking. Every day he stumbles and falls into a different girl's lap and then has to grab her tits to steady himself.
He passed out on the floor and you kept hitting him in the dick and screaming "hammer of justice".
I JUST WANT TO WATCH PORN BUT THE CAT IS JUST SITTING HERE LICKING HIS BALLS. I CAN'T DO IT.
I just found out my mom named me after her fake ID from college...
craigslist free llama. are you in or are you in?
i'm sorry, but my penis isnt the solution to your problems
I woke up next to her will a oven mit taped to my cock. Dear god, I might have tried to use it as a condom.
Today has been the most awkward masturbatory day of my life. Possibly even more awkward than when my mom found my vibrator on Mother's Day.
The only thing I know is that these arent my shoes and Aaron is missing and he has my house keys.
My goal is to be drunk before we even get out of the No Wake Zone.
I'm like bob the builder except I'm fixing boners.
i had every intention of working out now im just drinking wine and thinking about taking nudes in my thigh high tube socks
Randomize
