Will you blow on my dice?
I just saw a hot homeless man
i just walked with a girl who was carrying a chair down the street. apparently she got mad at the bartender and took the bar stool when she left.
I said ACK before Andy Samberg made it even remotely funny. That tool is stealing all my lines.
Yeah, you've definitely been jizzing in your pants years before he made it socially acceptable
Dude i just want you to know that when i found you half your mustache was already gone. I didn't do it.
You kept telling the cops that our ice luge was practice for the next winter olympics
All I know is that either you or I told a black guy that he looked like usher and he was sexy and that is our confession
Worst part of blacking out... Waking up and having to do the teeth check
I FEEL LIKE I CAN TAKE DOWN A FULLY GROWN MOUNTAIN LION WITH ONLY A POINTY STICK OH MY GOD
We woke up in the room with a hamburger patty on the bed side table, one bun across the room, and the other bun under my pillow. Still don't know who ordered room service.
Tommarow we shall sacrifice the freshmen to the sun god
And know that if I ever text "road head?" that it comes from a place of caring and not a place of heartlessness..
No, just kidding. But your faith in me to throw a lesbian bridal shower makes me think I an pull it off. To the LGBT bar!
I'm sorry, the person you're trying to reach is WAYYY too high to deal with this right now.
Here's the thing. Kinda drunk. Eating leftover soup. In bed. Watching Disney channel.
Randomize
