I knew you were gonna be a good wingman when the words "dibs on the chunky one" came out of your mouth.
ive come to the point where weve hung out more times sober than drunk. i think im growing up. fuck.
I took a shit in your bathtub. Nothings off limits
She gave me a handjob while eating a mcdouble with mayo on the way home from the bars at 2 in the morning. Car was full of people. This could be forever
Also, I'm sewing my entire Halloween costume by hand. I better get laid at every single party I go to.
Last night, I accomplished the impossible. I pissed while riding my bicycle home without pissing all over myself. My Dutch friends gave me a round of applause and said I was now the king of holland.
I'd like to introduce you to my friend, Moderation. Enjoy each other's company this weekend.
Your friend and I already don't get along
I get that he's ugly and I deserve better but I will still beat up the girls he hangs out with.
You were so drunk last night you thought you force pushed the automatic door open.
You showed up at 4 a.m with two middle-aged men, a 200 dollar bottle of wine, three bottles of beer, no shoes on, and a half eaten red velvet cake.You are never drinking absinthe again.
Do the molecules within bourbon change when mixed with a cola to form a superior liquid treat?
Package arrived for me from the gf while she's on vacation..under the bed bondage kit and new lingerie...my boner could drive to the airport
The drive thru lady at McDonald's asked how I was and I responded by opening the car door and throwing up all over the drive thru lane. Happy Sunday.
the police dropped me off. that's how my night went.
I let a 30 year old guitar player that works at a call center go down on me in his backseat last night
Randomize
