You got in a fight last night?
Yeah! Some dude in the bathroom...he was standing there and I notice he's got the same shirt as me on so I'm like...dude you should have called me, we look like idiots...he didn't say anything...so i got pissed and hit him...completely decimated and my hand was all bloody and covered with glass afterward...weird dude, never saw him again that night or since.
Um...Did this guy happen to look almost exactly like you?
i just wanna skin you and wear you like last years versace.
you may have the big hair, fake nails, and talk with a fake accent, but you will NEVER be a housewife from new jersey so STOP TRYING.
okay. this is james and youre probably never ever gonna see me again unless i really really really want some pussy. sorry.
I really need to stop drunk texting. My one night stand just agreed to go roller skating.
I wish I could walk around this campus with a big stamp that says "Approved" and just stamp girls asses as they pass.
sometimes i feel like my only option in life is to be drunk or be a cat. today i am drunk
Apple should advertise that their phones are puke-proof. They would appeal to a whole new audience.
The random guy I fucked from craigslist said I had the best smile. I take compliments where i can get them
Notice how both of our plans for hooking up with these guys involve getting them drunk?
Oh my God, we're like men but with great boobs.
I'm so hung over that I'm pretty sure I can feel the earth's rotations when I close my eyes.
I hate when I wake up and find my vibrator next to me. Such a waste of an orgasm...getting myself off in my sleep and not remembering
Have you ever given your heart and soul to someone and they turn out to be nothing but a great fuck that makes a mean grilled cheese because same
If you need me I'll be getting drunk in a chewbacca onsie like a real adult.
Fuck off. Since when do you love him??
Since he licked my arm to retrieve the macaroni and cheese he dropped. You have to appreciate that
Can't even lie. Mad respect
Not to make this awkward, but if we ever have sex (perhaps drunkenly), all i'm gonna be able to think about is how sexy our kids would be.
Randomize
