i woke up this morning in my bathroom,naked, with my boxers around my face and puke and shit on the floor and wondering why i didn't have a toenail on my one big toe.
compared to you, a hobo is quite responsible.
he is not the type of person you only have sex with once. god adds years to your life every time you sleep with him.
All I remember is yelling at him to admit he liked Bon Jovi, then accusing him of giving love a bad name.
im so drunk with asians
where?
always
he just invited me over for the 3 p's...pepsi pizza and porn...I'm gonna marry him
Found her laying down in a booth in iHop. She's a keeper.
He wants to call Lloyd's of London and have my mouth insured.
Its name is Richard. And I think he formally introduced us.
I found out why they kept calling her "CD". It was short for "Crab Dip". You're fucked.
Home. Hour long discussion with mom. Very frightened. Eating a sausage. Don't remember making it. Confused.
N.C. cops just used a megaphone to tell me I have a slutty outfit. My life is complete.
Came home plastered at 8am. Roommate had hot glued all the ashtrays and various items to their surfaces. Couldn't handle it. Went back to the bar.
I just want to give face wipes a shout out for being there when im too tired or high to wash my face at night
Shout out to my liver for being the true MVP. It easily put in more work than LeBron or Curry this week.
If this adventure is going to get us arrested it'll have to wait until Wednesday so that I can bail myself out.
Randomize
