Yeah, where have you been?
Clearly not facebooking enough. Sweet jesus.
Theres a note on my antibiotics that says "Do not chew or crush. Swallow whole." I think that would be a good tattoo for just above my penis.
we were dressed as cave people and he kept telling everybody i was so easy a caveman could do it.
It's so hard to take my boss as an authorative figure with her New Moon movie tickets taped to her wall
Uh, do you remember who's thong is in my tree?
oh, i've got big weekend plans. on an unrelated note, do you think viagra will work if the guy is roofied?
I'm not as easy in Europe as I am in the US
Only because you can wipe your slut slate clean & start anew. It's a little known benefit of our currency exchange.
Seriously, come get him. He's not even a person anymore. He's a loud, drunk, cock-blocking wrecking ball.
ugh... thank God for ATM withdrawal limits. I was drunk enough to give that weird shaped stripper all of my money while making her cry in the back room.
IT'S LINGERIE PURCHASED FROM A FLEA MARKET, THE ONLY THING IT'S GOING TO BE POSITIVE FOR IS A TEST FOR HIV
Send me another check for the tickets. I scratched out "anal wax" and now the bank won't take it.
I know you all think its cute to drop me off in a different state when I black out, but I can't wake up in family campgrounds asking where I am. These parents are scared.
What's his name?? He crossfits 6 times a week, works in finance & is into the occasional felony class drug. His name is irrelevant in order to know if I wanna bone him again.
Like, I can't stand that bitch, but i genuinely hope she gets the help she needs
Can't we just go back to fucking and having your boyfriend think you're completely straight?
Randomize
