He toold me that when we were younger I was his boner buddy.
...seriously? chocolate pudding? motorboating? No one has even done that to ME and i am 69 times the whore you are
Do you ever wonder how many people have prayed for you to be a better person?
I think a van full of parolees just blew me kisses. Thoughts?
stef broke her leg trying to vault over the coffee table. these olympics drinking games are going to fucking kill us
They shouted last call and the guy next to me and I looked each other up and down and went in unison "yup, you'll do"
finding an unopened condom on the ground can really change your outlook on the night
He got me a cake that said " Congratulations on the dick "
His last Google search was "will sperm ruin the retina display on Apple products?"
The only thing I know is that these arent my shoes and Aaron is missing and he has my house keys.
I was in the bathroom and I heard a phone ding inside one of the stalls. I really wanted to say, nature is calling, but I was still in my work uniform
I was standing in my mom's kitchen in only my neon green thong, eating pizza over the garbage can, and sobbing while he was yelling at me.
Oh hello Jordan's parents, I'm here to have sex with your son. He's in the shower? Oh great, I'll join him
I legitimately thought he died. I even called his mom at 3am and told her. Im done with vodka.
I just got a text from a stranger offering to shave my asshole. I've been sober and out of town for a week, are you using my number as a dial-a-dumping again?
Randomize
