I'm good, just tired from chardonnay and giving hand jobs.
What happened to the watermelon?
You fucked it.
I almost got runover on the sidewalk by a car but wen it got closer it was a crackhead walking with the whole front of a car... bumper, lights and all... I love New York.
How am I a tease?
Dude you flashed me ur vagina and walked away.
ONLY PART OF IT.
i wrote her a fucking poem. i better get laid for that
God, i just love slightly insecure guys with hearts of gold and giant penises.
Dude.. You paid a stripper $50 to listen to you cry last night.
gave him road head on the way to his grandparents house. purposely didn't let him finish, the sexual tension over turkey was indescribable.
I was in the bathroom puking up mountains of tequila and when he came to help me, I held the door shut and kept yelling at him to let me be a lady.
How much do you charge for your Funyun and beer delivery service?
Pretending to be completely fried so the odd girl next to me doesnt suspect im simply staring at her.
Why can't people give useful wedding gifts...like sex swings or Nutella?
So I'm sitting here baked on a bridge thinking about how plants think, I miss you so much
2016 is coming through for me, I'm renaming it the year of great dick
Consume your own penis you ugly freak.
Randomize
