Cops are here now. U need to come back. Ur not under arrest. But u need to apologize to the woman for what you did to her cat.
I'm drunk. And at a vegan cafe. You would hate it. Don't tell my hipster friend but I kinda hate it too.
Woke up in an unfamiliar basement in a sleeping bag with Matt to a police officer shining his flashlight in my eyes and asking me my birth date and social security number. My morning went swimmingly.
New first...just saw an entire family of homeless hitch hikers...kids and all. God, i love Oklahoma!
He was trying to hotbox the banana suit. Of course we traded him for vodka.
You get home ok?
Uh, you stopped by my house at 4 am and woke me up, so yeah.
Dude, I puked in the stall for God knows how long. Halfway through, a kid sits down in the stall next to me and starts jacking off, i heard the porn on his phone and everything. so FYI, the middle stall is where good nights go to die
Drunkness level: fluent in olde norse
I just KNEW this was gonna happen. NEVER say "all the free Jameson you can drink" around Tina.
I told my manager that I would be coming in to work either high from edibles on purpose or tripping on acid by accident so he knows to check my work tomorrow.
Yeah. I found my shirt from last night while walking back to the bar to get my purse/phone this morning. I'm never going to even ask what actually happened. Be glad you moved 7 states away.
It's official. Post baseball sex is better than post hockey sex. I hope the Blue Jays win the world series.
I'm so high right now that I winked back at a character in this TV show.
I didn't expect the hobit to have that much sexual tension.
Okay I’ll say it... THIS MOVIE FUCKS
That’s probably the first time I've heard Little Women described that way and I love it
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