she went home with me because she said i reminded her of paul rudd. remind me to thank him for his awkwardness
I have teeth marks. Like distinct upper and lower jaw.
Yeah me too. My shoulder looks rabid.
He managed to completely creep out every girl I was with last night. It was almost inspiring how efficient it was.
I just found a receipt from ace where I bought 1 lrg plastic funnel, 2ft of 1" plastic tubing, and a 48" toboggan sled. Thank you cashier #552 for letting that poor life decision happen.
He's such a gentleman. He didn't even ask why my bra was flung on the seat of my car. He just took my snow brush, pushed it onto the floor and said, "Let's go I'm hungry."
No, not normal drunk. Wake up on a trampoline with a naked chick you've never seen before drunk. I think i missed my first trampoline sex...
I'm gonna hire strippers dressed like the founding fathers.
I was so exhausted I thought about using my deep throat spray to stop my coughing.
Look man, sometimes you just gotta say "Sure! Why not? I can always take a shower afterwards"
She asked if i could guess "what shape her carpet was". I got it wrong (christmas tree).
He sent me a text from across the party that said "your sexy." I just couldn't.
She's been drunk for three days now
Like three straight days. 72 hours
She's been covered in glitter for the last two and somehow she found a monkey
The fact that it neither of us came up with the reason of "it's morally and ethically wrong" speaks volumes about this relationship
So who has the penis shaped party tray? You or your mom?
Don't know where this pizza came from but i got breakfast in bed
Randomize
