you keep denying me to hang out, should i take a hint?
you keep asking me after midnight, should i take a hint?
how many beers do i need before it is acceptable to sleep with sam
enough that when i make fun of you for it tomorrow you wont even remember it happening
I've decided to sign up for a porn membership, but it's 10:30 and I'm going to wait an hour an a half because I don't want to waste a whole day of my month long membership. Fuck this economy.
If I die and they 'assume' it's natural causes, just go with it.
I put so much effort into my vagina today. If i don't get laid tonight I'm gonna be pissed.
I still love him regardless of his misguided forays into heterosexuality
how does 'resolution to respect myself more' follow 'he fucks me really hard'?
Called the cops on a high school party then went in after all the kids ran away and took the rest of the beer. What are you doing tonight?
After we hooked up, his roommate shouted "I LIKE TO HAVE SEX TOO" from across the apartment
In the name of friendship, I’m going to kick your children into the ocean.
Fuck the walk of shame. I make this shit glorious.
The fact that you arent wearing shoes probably just adds to the classiness
Condom wrapper stuck to my shirt ups the anty
How ya feelin sunshine?
Like a million dollars! ... That has been hit by a bus, drowned under water and beat repeatedly by a shovel.
I'm at home, drunk, and I just called the guy I lost my virginity to and invited him to my wedding.. I've got to stop drinking by myself.
Been smoking since 4. The inevitable finally happened: I bought a cheesecake.
Excuse me. I’m a mature responsible adult.
You got your arm stuck in a vending machine trying to get fruit snacks.
I had a cast on my hand and if I paid for my fruit snacks, I’m getting my fruit snacks.
Randomize
