God help me. Come pick me up. The guy told me this is not a hotel and i had to leave.
She said as long as i don't wake her up she doesn't care what hole i use.
Got yourself a keeper right there.
Here's a fun fact your kittens ate my vomit last night
i just heard one Asian kid say to another, "i bet if i could get into Harvard i could get laid all the time, my brother lost his virginity the first night there."
Ur just texting me random shit. That's what Twitter is for
Just got roadhead in a driving snowstorm. That shit should be a Winter X games event.
I passed out and woke up with my pockets full of Lucky Charms cereal and chocolate coins. Another successful St Pattys Day.
She's Christian and monogamous. Two wammies right there. No amount of convincing will turn that bi for a night.
I think I just got a contact from my own exhale. Def dying.
Just thought to myself "I should practice shotgunning a beer before Wednesday." I don't think my GPA is going to like this semester.
I let my cat eat the pepperonis off of my pizza while I was still eating it. That's the level of tequila drunk I got last night.
God I adore you.
I wanted him to come me this time. So I told him last time I was in the city I hit a lady on the head with an inflatable Santa Claus and just found out that the restraining order she requested against me was granted. We never hung out.
Update. A gay dude just told me I'm the most beautiful thing with a vagina he as ever seen. How should I feel about this?
AHHHHHHHHH. I LEFT A GLASS NEXT TO ME WHEN I FELL ASLEEP I'M SO SURE IT WAS WATER BUT NOW IT'S VODKA JESUS MADE A STOP
Considering what happened last night and how horrible I feel, I look amazing
Randomize
