i think i just heard my dad finish in the other room...
it was really awkward. it took him like like 2 minutes to realize who he was jacking off to. he stopped mid-stroke. such a small small world
i told you not to try chat roulette
You tried to tell her that the salad was an afrodisiac then proceeded to stroke yourself with the feather duster
When I finally got there you were bleeding all over and you just kept saying over and over that the dog was your only friend at the party.
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Apparently I used ziplock bags to smuggle my drink out with. By pouring it in one, then cut the corner like it was an icing bag later that night. What is wrong with me?
More cowboy butts than you can shake a stick at, oh joy.
She's dressed as a slutty goth schoolgirl. Those are my three favorite things. God himself could not give me whiskey dick.
It's not that I even wanna fuck these guys anymore, just cuddle that's all. My conscience has never been so proud.
The landlord wasn't even off the porch yet and she was packing a bowl, I can't imagine a better best friend
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Morning fuck and a coffee. ARE YOU READY TO CONQUER THE GALAXY WITH ME??
I also have bagel bites. I know that's not as big an incentive as the cocksucking but.....
Can we talk about how i drunkenly changed the timezone on my phone last night and just showed up to work an hour early
Why r u in my phone under "the last survivor"?
You sent me a very drunk love letter
Was it the one about pterodactyls?
I was disappointed I thought you actually loved me
yes we're having sex but I'm texting you...so what does that tell you?
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