Running into every girl no one would hook up with here at rick's. Typical.
This is some kinda fucked up sordid doggy brothel peepshow bullshit.
If only Ben were 51% gay instead of 49%
Oprah is sooooo fat. I can't even concentrate on Mackenzie Phillips talking about banging her dad
im shotgunning beers in the kitchen. alone. the cat is judging me.
They were picking gravel out of my face for an hour. I think I took more out of the road than the road did of me.
Barfights against pavement aren't genrally won by people. Props.
So I've decided to grow a vagina forest. Because I'm single and it's like a zen garden. Brings a new meaning to long hair don't care.
There is naked swordfighting and something green and alcoholic going on in the basement. COME. OVER. NOW.
I'm about to punish you for sending me a Snapchat of your boyfriend's morning wood
I'm at the point where I'm gonna write in my mothers bday card. Happy birthday. Please stop having sex with the door open.
Where are you? Your parents are here. Their flight got in early.
Trashy Tequila Tuesdays. Have them meet me here @ the bar.
I'm not sending your parents to see you drunk at a gay bar. What kind of boyfriend do you think I am?
A great one. Entertain them i'll be home soon....... I think
How the fuck does a person bruise an armpit? I swear to god, I get the lamest drunk injuries.
Hey I was just wondering if you could go look for my teeth?
I think curling is the best thing to watch when you're baked.
If I take a couple more shots I won't even know he's a Mormon that drives a motorcycle
Randomize
