turns out the guy i was dating because he was a cop was not actually a cop. i learned this as he got arrested by real cops.
If your dick isn't up when i get home you're catching tonight.
he kept asking me if i had been in a pool or a lake recently, i didnt want to say i know where the swimmers ear came from. shower sex.
I love how kegs are figured into our monthly bills
i made potato chips in weed oil. what did you do today?
There is a clear recurring theme of me having sex in restrooms that really needs to stops
My stomach is revolting cause i have put food in it and no alcohol.
It's okay, I found my phone in the toaster oven. Logical explanation: 5 martinis
And I really REALLY don't feel like cleaning cinnamon off my penis tonight.
I can't wait till we are old and wrinkly and I can turn to you and ask, "Remember when you Rick Jamesed the shit out of that couch??"
Only Tommy would bring a stripper pole to a bonfire
Question: what's the protocol for seeing your mistress walking alongside her clueless boyfriend? If you could answer this ten minutes ago, that'd be great.
At what part of the night did you guys leave?
After my hot tub cannonball.
It seems I've entered my 21st birthday the same way I entered this world: naked, crying and smothered in someone else's bodily fluids...
i am also 80% sure that my shirt glows in the dark.
Randomize
