Dude I just picked up a married chick while her husband was playing pool.
What do you mean you picked her up? How are you gonna leave the bar?
I didn't. I fucked her in the men's room. Come get me before he finds out.
Last night was a blur. All I remember is jizzing in the squeegee bucket at a gas station.
The look on the soccer mom's face was PRICELESS.
I just set a weed brownie on fire in the microwave.
Successful day.
I'm sorry but when I'm riding in the trunk on the way to mcdonalds at 6 am I just don't want to listen to reba macintire
Chasing tequila with honey. Ill let you know how it turns out.
Its like every time I go out with you, it always involves Serbian chicks and taco bell and you always manage to get both all over my bed.
He just kept yelling cup my balls to everyone they kicked us out after 20 min
An old lady WILL get vomited on today.
Vodka drinking games. Where you wake up next to a douche lord and see your thong in the blinds.
Because everyone is allowed one half drunken 7:30 am walk back to campus in a cowgirl costume, right?
I'm beginning to worry that I seem to get along best with people when I'm naked with them.
So how was the sex with me last night?
No worse than usual.
He tried to kiss me in the middle of hooking up... it was a deal breaker. I got off him and left.
So making out with chicks at the bar is fine and dandy, but your booty call can't kiss you? You have the strangest fucking rules...
My roommate wasn't home and I was too drunk and tired so I peed in the trash can. Twice.
I am witnessing a blind guy whip ass at beer pong
Randomize
