im surrounded by empty glasses of chocolate milk WTF
Left my ID again and at a Giant's game. This is the second time they accepted my handgun safety certificate as proof of ID to buy beer.
No, I'm a firm believer in "Swallow or it isn't love."
omg. don't know how to spell his name, but hot new zealand guy's dick is magic
It was like watching porn, except it was in real life, and it was starring two of your best friends.
I just invented spray cheese vodka. tastes real nasty but does the trick.
I guarantee that wasn't the first penis someone placed on her forehead.
My last google search of the night was "Things that cost $102.50"
all i remember was her shitting herself and asking me to call her parents.....i so didn't. when i woke up she was gone and left a note saying "we will be lovers forever"
She flashed them and they let her pay with Monopoly money. I'm married, so it is your obligation as my best man to repeatedly fuck her for me
That moment when you see yourself in a security camera feed and realize you forgot a bra. And pants.
You guys are like the reason that ketamine is a controlled substance.
I'm just drunk enough to be eating egg rolls on the toilet
...take a good look at your butthole.... then try matching it to any paint color on the Benjamin Moore color wheel....not gonna happen...
He’s actually a personal trainer. He said he hasn’t taught yoga in a while but the stripper prefers to introduce him as a yoga teacher
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