OMG. Drunk.
I'm so glad you fill me in on these things.
Sorry. Must've been trying to twitter.
Do you know how easy it would be to shoplift if I was a magician?!
how do u look a man in the eye when u own both his daughters V-Cards?
Who would have sex with her? She looks like she shops at baby gap
dude, you cant keep using "she roofied me" as an excuse to bang all these fat chicks
Found my wallet. It was under my dresser with a note that said "good job you found me". Drunk me is an ass.
Tell them you aren't trying to make money, you are just the mr rogers of weed,its such a good feeling a very good feeling the feeling you know that were friends
Because guys aren't supposed to cry. Especially when it's over a dude singing a Christmas carol.
Today marks the 365th consecutive day of jerkin it. I couldn't have done it without you guys. #onlynewyearsresolutionaccomplished
Just chugged a Bloody Mary in 60 seconds flat. New personal best! Happy Sunday!
I'm good. We walked you back to my apartment and you demanded to eat the sandwich I made for him
How do you keep manipulating these men into helping you?
I'm a massage therapist with an oral fixation. It's not nearly as hard as you make it out to be.
Do normal couples celebrate occasions naked with Chicken McNuggets and BBQ sauce?
If I make it through this whole bridesmaid process without anyone knowing that I actually hate everyone but the bride, including the groom, I deserve a complimentary bottle of vodka.
So learned a new trick last night.... Taking body shots from my own tits... Mom would be so proud
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