my girlfriends now gay ex-boyfriend kissed me. tell maddie i can't hangout today
Let's get naked and see who's stronger.
just crush a couple of percocets into it. tell him sam adams came out with a new beer. flavored with sleep.
I told my mom I had sex with him and even SHE was proud. Now that's saying something.
I want to apologize in advance in the event I put my boobs in your face
Apparently I spent my 300 dollar tax return by ordering ramen on amazon last night. Please tell me this will somehow pay off in the long run.
There are parrots here and they're headbanging to the music. There's also a clown and a pit bull that can jump onto tables. Too high for this shit.
Tis the season to puke in grandma's bathroom
I just won a riveting game of "who can drink the most vodka out of a hollowed out watermelon". Fucking New Yorkers.
I would like to request a high five for getting laid while wearing crocs and a crab hat.
Pretend you're in a taco. That always helps me sleep.
My head is just one big fuzz right now.. Its like someone replaced my brain with a teddy bear
I just fell in love with a beard, the guy it's attached to isn't great but I think I'm going to take one for the team
You can't break up with me. I brought you to see Beyoncé.
I'm sexting with a 20 year old that has a foot fetish... This is what Sailor Jerry drives me to do.
Randomize
