Dude, I totally just put a lit lighter to my hand for 10 seconds
How much beer did you get for it?
One ice cold coors, but those mountains lied
my facebook friend requests are always from girls of boyfriends i have fucked, facebook is the worst reminder of shame
i just found an uncooked ramen noodle in my underwear
My mom's crying. That means it must be Christmas.
sometimes i think life is slapping me across the face and laughing, saying "ha ha! you're an adult!"
I just made Jack Daniels snow cones.
I stumbled into my living room at 4 a.m. to find him hurling my laptop across the room and his pants around his ankles. Clearly his night didn't go as planned.
Never ever ever ever ever ever give your number to a 30 year old at buffalo wild wings. Ever ever ever.
STOP TELLING PEOPLE I PEED ON YOU
I met a bunch of Germans and said in german "this is for the fatherland" and poured a beer on my head
There are people taking shots out of a turtle shell.
Lol yeah. Because I just woke him up to blow him for being hot.
Dude. Woke up this morning wearing that chick's panties. 8/10, would recommend. I love tequila.
yes, i'm a douce. but i'm a high quality douche.
Newest quarantine problem - I’ve watched all of the porn. Like everything on the the internet, all the DVDs, mags, VR, leisure suit Larry all of it and I’m still horny af
Randomize
