i feel so shallow. people in iran are using twitter to write hardcore nathan hale shit about dying for freedom. my last tweet was "i hate the taco shits"
My favorite part was when he stopped, looked up in the middle of performing oral sex and asked, "you did know it was Arbor Day, right?"
The best thing he's ever done for me was comment on my profile picture saying "hello boner"
FYI angry masturbation is not as cool angry sex
Became best friends with the hotdog stand creeper outside the bar. Cried and told him my feet hurt too much to walk home then begged him to hire me.
Her mom is home on her lunch break. Guess who's hiding In the Closet?
The cops are here to take me to jail, so I guess I have to go with them. If I'm not out by 6 p.m., there is some left-over lasagna in the fridge for you.
So our 'date' consisted of getting drunk off champagne at four and photo-bombing the shit out of tourist's pictures all over the city. Thoughts?
Well I blew a guy I barely know in full view of a homeless camp. That's pretty tame for me.
after she rolled over and said 'i'm so glad you're like my gay best friend, love you' then left. did i just get friendzoned AFTER sex??
You can achieve whatever you wish in your imagination with some help from drugs
I've been on the toilet for an hour. On a six day bender. My ass feels like its leaking vodka
Woke up eating a pickle on the bathroom floor this morning in some random guys sweat pants.
WHEN JENDA BENDA THE DRAG QUEEN TELLS YOU TO RUN, YOU RUN, BITCH!!!
Sober sex is weird like I didn't expect this when I got clean
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