why did i wake up with a kid named Raphael in my bed this morning?
I dont know but you did call last night to tell me you found the last ninja turtle
the pool opens at 11. by 1115 the ambulance had been called.
Strippers tramp stamp says "mom"
oh no you fucking didn't eat my mac and cheese you cunt
Mym mom just came downstairs as I got ghome ans I'm trying to act SO CASUAL as i stabdh here hut icant help bur be like 'girl where's ther Turkey sandwiche s' haahaa
I literally need you to talke care of me soooo9o9oooooo drubj gril makin a sabdwiche. SO far its judst bred and paper towel...
ill be fine wheb you get back. I'm gunna do real world things like washing the dishes. having to perform serious tasks brings you down.
Both the cop and the paramedic were hitting on me while I was on the ambulance. My boob fell out and they just about had full on erections right there. They Came back two hours later to sign my cast with their phone numbers. #stillhotwhilebleeding
So last night I taught an old homeless dude to respond to "Blue" so I could shout your my boy Blue at the party
I might have snap chatted him. So here's what I need you to do. Find him. Abduct him. Get his phone. View the chat so he can't. Then, buy him ice cream. He deserves ice cream.
I solemnly swear I will not get your boyfriend puke in public drunk again
MIDGETS
????
I'm going to get high and eat ice cream until the pain goes away. You're welcome to join.
can we drink soon
I'm not sure who this is but I'm free tomorrow night
Hes back in his dorm room dancing naked with 3D glasses on.
and he said that acid doesnt really do anything to him...
My boss walked into my office and gave me a toothbrush and tips for dealing with sex hair. She knows what’s up
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