Earlier, I saw a homeless man that looked like Abe Lincoln, and I just saw a guy walk past wearing crocs and socks. I'm beginning to like this city less and less
you left your dildo in my car
rules of finders keepers apply
it's just like freshman year of high school, with more drugs
i'm drinking with a bunch of phds, i feel very stupid but good about my drinking abilities
Dude. He drives a mini. Therefore he's a virgin
So the bartender just told me that there was numerous people who saw me having sex on the rooftop last weekend. +1
So half of us were already throwing up outside when the Ukrainians ask us if we're ready to start partying yet. I love this country.
Alright, text me when you get close. I've got a mustache and I'm ready to get my day drunk on.
Was I at least a good cuddler? Like at least honorable mention?
I swear you won't find cereal in your washer machine again.
Hey, sorry for threatening to teabag your mom to death last night
I'm more than my video games and dildo collection
You know the force is loosing strength when Darth Vader can't handle his liquor on halloween.
The two of us went back to your place, had sex, peed in cups, then i went home. Literally all i know
It is NEVER not funny to me when I am sitting at a table and I've touched the dicks of every single person I'm sitting with.
Randomize
