Every time he makes fun of me for anything I just remind myself he ate ice cream out of a strippers vagina
you were watching a documentary about sharks and wouldn't stop stroking my legs and whispering "what if they could walk?"
Just ate cheeseit crumbs off the floor. i feel like Kirstie Alley.
theres always time to masturbate. my grandpa taught me that.
Pre-game strategy: play thunder by yourself in the shower. Surprisingly, success.
found inexpensive tickets to Norway. Questioning if its legal. PLEASE tell me you remebered the walkie talkies and face paint.
I've reached the point to where my pre-gaming needs to be limited to pre-inning-ing
This is God's way of telling me He loves me and wants me to be a cocktease.
Go forth my daughter and give blue balls to all who may gaze upon your tits.
Sweet. I'm actually coaching my work study into a 4-girl orgy so dinner was kinda important. Yes, I'm the best boss ever.
took over 12 bombs tonight and we still aren't hooking up. Wait how am I functioning
Someone came in the potted fern
Just broke into a house and crawled through a window. Upside: getting laid.
I told my fuck buddy that I wanted one of his arms to take home with me to hold onto in bed and he was hurt that I didn't want to bring him, like as a person, home to my family. I feel like you and only you could appreciate this.
Good god, my descendants are going to be fucked.
I took advantage of the fact that my mentee had to go to the bathroom to throw up in the other stall. I'm going to hell for being hungover at an elementary school.
Randomize
