Just pulled my keys, cell-phone and a pack of cigarettes out from between my cleavage. This one guy's face was priceless.
Nights like last night are what makes cleaning up the vomit in the morning worth it
How do you tell if you're on the terrorist watch list?
I'm not 100% sure, but I think someone gave me a bath last night...
WHOA. WHOA. WTF. WHOA. TOO HIGH FOR HIM TO BE ENGAGED RIGHT NOW.
Peter invited his little brother to smoke with us and he is trying so hard to pretend he's done it before. When he saw the weed he was like "hell yeah!" and everyone got completely silent and just looked at him
I don't even want to talk about it, I'm traumatized. Even the dog knew to take advantage of the most intoxicated girl at the party...
I may be in pain from falling off the roof but getting to the morning roof keg was well worth it.
Come over, I want to eat cookie dough off your dick.
Frats are adorable. They make mediocre guys think they're worth a shit.
...the American dream.
I complimented him on his choice of carpeting while he was humping me.
If he cant deal with my insomnia and sex drive I really feel sorry for his child and ex fiance. Adulthood breakups are depressing.
Just sold our expired ticket for a free night of bowling to a drunk guy downtown for 50 bucks. Ill buy beer on my way home
I got so pissed i stormed off and threw his burrito on his windshield
I know you can't find me. Somehow I ended up on the roof smoking a cig with the strippers that are on break. Way too drunk to deal with this right now.
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