woke up this morning with a pool of champagne in my purse. apparently i was saving it for later.
he got up in front of the whole lecture hall and yelled that Charlie Brown's Christmas tree was his favorite book in the history of the universe. then he stumbled out the fire exit setting the alarm off. I could've jumped him right then and there.
My mom just told me to drench my entire body in vodka for 20 minutes. I have never been this russian. no one has ever been this russian
the maid of honor just got in a fight with the mother of the bride at a gas station across the street. best. wedding. ever.
he asked me for a gerbil feeder full of alcohol
It's like a double rainbow in both sides of the sky mixed with The Jeffersons.
I just realized I donated our bong to goodwill.. RIP Kimbo Slice
You suck, She hit so hard.
We did Irish Car Bombs out of butter trays, the influence of the retired community is astounding- I didn't know people even owned more than one butter tray.
Getting robbed by hookers is def a right of passage in a mans life
COCAINE AND SUSPENSFUL BBC SHOWS DO NOT WORK.
Never let your siblings swipe right.
How did you interpret 'wheat thins' from 'vaginal trauma'?
Why are your pants in the freezer?
isnt it crazy how for years we were living our owns lives, and now only a wall seperates us?
stop. eating. my. shrooms.
So who has the penis shaped party tray? You or your mom?
Randomize
