He asked if I wanted to blow his flute? Please call me and pretend there is a family emergency!!!
she said "the two best ways to sober up are to nurse someone or give a blowjob" and im gonna go along with it.
remember that response paper i wrote naked, at 745am still drunk with a naked dude in my bed? yeah, totally got an a- on that. and he loved my insight.
Why the fuck is the royal wedding at 4am. That is obviously not the most appropriate time to drink during finals. It's like I'm bound to fail, by royal decree.
Jail wasn't bad. Was poppin Xanax the whole way there
I'm in the sex attic, crying, eating french toast and taco
She was drunk and naked on our couch, sweating and masterbating to SNL. We made eye contact and she didn't even stop. It's new-roommate-o-clock
According to him, i kept saying "I'm belligerent as SHIT" and tried to run around the house in just my bra and underwear. Thats when they decided to carry me to the car and take me home.
Great news I took pics last night
Warning: most of them are of you peeing while I take selfies
How high is the bridge and how deep is the water and what are the chances I will get arrested
I want to get "Patrick Kane" wasted tonight
I am one hundred percent down for that
I'm not even pretending to study anymore. I'm straight up sleeping in the library
I spent three hours in the ER last night to figure out that my friend just had to take a shit
Googled 'how drunk am I' and it was NOT helpful
I really need to stop turning to the BDSM dungeon masters of tinder whenever my heart hurts
Randomize
