How wet are you?
Ever heard of a U-boat?
Thats a flattering suggestion doug but lets be clear NO you may not put your face in my vagina just because ur not charging me a cover. sorry.
I guess i tried to text 911 last night with "someone stole my bong." Thank god that doesn't work...
S and I had anal without a condom because I'm on my rag but he didn't finish. Should I still take Plan B?
Just bought two budlight beers with a can of tuna at the bar
i was taking a dump when this random girl ran in, puked all over my lap, then passed out on the floor
did you bang her?
seriously?
Can't a girl send out a 4 pm booty call anymore
I'm trying to get fucked by 4 girls here, and you're worried about verb tenses?!
I woke up in a strange bathroom. Was I blonde when you left me last night?
I'm just gonna eat nachos and wine fruit forever.
At least be KIND OF sobering up before you text me, I've told you before I don't speak vodka unless I've been drinking it with you.
PS WHY wasn't I drinking it with you? Dick.
Fyi - we're going to be eating those sandwiches in bed when you get home.
We need to borrow someone's dog. Just so we can non-creepily go to PetSmart and watch all the other dogs take photos with Santa
I'm pretty sure I broke my breathalyzer by breathing vaporized vodka into it.
And I broke things off with Justin last night. Except I texted him while he was asleep and then I was like well, that's probably not what he wants to wake up to, so I sent him a picture of the coconut I microwaved and caught on fire when I was really high one time.
Randomize
