i was drunk at family dinner telling about my gay brothers sex ads on criags list
It's a sad day when you have to slightly move your fupa to shave.
I just walked into his bathroom to see two poops floating... no toilet paper. WTF!?
Walked home this morning with my contacts in a shot glass.
First class.
I havnt had this much beer since i losodt my virginity. thank. god.
He keeps asking where i got my clothes and accessories. i'm not sure if he wants to fuck me, or go shopping.
you spent the night getting lap dances from a stripper with a c-section scar then ended up at a one room casino by the airport and you say you're too good to blaze and see pirahna 3d? bullshit
I think they took out their livers years ago and replaced them with like cheese graters or something. Only explanation.
So your bra was hanging in the Christmas tree last night at some point I think
pretty sure tht was the guy who once went to the club dressed as waldo. he still looks weirdly fuckable.
This little girl and her dad are walking behind me. "Why is he wearing pajamas?" Mind your own business, kid.
There's a quesaritto in the oven. Neither of us have been to Taco Bell in 3 weeks.
fuck off. It's 10am and I'm drink gin and ginger ale through a twizzler straw. My life is marvellous
I DO have hobbies! I drink. I drink more. I catfish men on Grindr with photos of guys who are less attractive than me. I listen to Lovecraftian podcasts. I'm very well-rounded.
Just found out that the guy I lost my virginity to voted for Gary Johnson. It's almost more upsetting then him ending up being a massive asshole.
Randomize
