i just woke up in the woods behind my house in handcuffs and a dan marino jersey ive never seen before
I am going to invent a chocolate mix for sperm.
Well, emily woke up in Hoboken, cati woke up in jersey city, and i woke up in brooklyn....and our hotel room we rented in the city remained empty. Best birthday yet.
don't thank me. stop putting your penis in foreign objects.
I'm having a chugging contest on the streetcar. The driver is judging.
Plus someone just passed me a joint through the window. BEST STREETCAR RIDE EVER
He kissed my cheek and I could smell it the whole way home like shit
Threw up 3 times on the lawn mower and then proceeded to crash it into a tree root and break it.
tell me why they applauded then the bartender locked himself in the bathroom when i walked into the bar today ????
This hobo said he can't buy alcohol bc he got in trouble bc a girl sat on his face when he was passed out and misaligned his spine and gave him Alzheimer's so Ali is buying him a bottle. This is Vegas.
As an added realisation of today. If we used the last time I got laid as a conceiving date I would have a two week old baby. It's been too long...
Can I just have sex with him and then never talk to him? I need him to be the Mr. Miyagi of my sex life.
Also, since I switched back to this phone I've found a crop of dick pics and your funeral arrangements.
Made him watch 4 hours of HGTV then told him I was too tired for sex.
Savage
I threw up in my brother's Easter basket
Is it weird that I shop for lingerie by thinking if it will look good on both me and your floor?
No. Not at all.
Randomize
