you just love her because she lets you bang her with fruits and veggies!
don't worry, i have a range rover and a brother hopped up on steroids.. we can solve this little misunderstanding quite easily.
worst lay ever....
as long as you cum, there is no bad sex
ya... thank god for condoms, I was able to fake it... I stand by my original statement
Not just anyone can homewreck on three continents simultaneously
you are my hero
Tried to dry my shoes in the oven last night.
Change of plans I'm coming home and shotgunning all the beer we have.
Can we just ponder our lives for a second.
No I think my brain may implode in a puff of cocaine and sparkles.
You need to be more adventurous.
I am! Just not in a "I wanna get diseases" way
Just found weed in an empty handle. Who knew Capitan Morgan was also a gardener?
Remember when we partied so hard that dude died and it cockblocked you hooking up with my sister?
I forgot that happened. That's the second dude that died on a vacation I've been on
i was too drunk before they even got here. i took all their phones instead of keys and hid them in the freezerr...im an awesome party host.
So he cheated on his gf again. For the third time. Second time with me. HE CRIED WHILE DRIVING ME HOME BECAUSE HE CHEATED ON HER. And I laughed the entire way. Good god I'm an asshole.
i woke up this morning from the best one night stand. i made the guy mickey mouse pancakes for breakfast and when i walked back into the bedroom he said "marry me"
So technically I made out with my second cousin this weekend... But it's by marriage and I'm adopted, so it's ok.
Dear god my vagina.
Randomize
