don't thank me. stop putting your penis in foreign objects.
Your vagain smells worse when im sober.
sorry, worng number
I just saw a woman point to her daughter and scream at her husband THIS IS YOUR GENES, THIS IS YOU.
I threw up into my coffee this morning.
mom just texted me "hawaii ambien". those are like the two things she talks about to keep me interested in spending time with her.
Oh god. There is a bite mark in the bar of soap. Please tell me I was not that wasted.
Dude you couldnt even talk, you just kept hiccuping and slamming your head on the wall.
this mall makes me feel like I just rolled a 9 in jumanji and got the stampede card
Woke up to a note written on my hand that read "just because he kisses you, doesn't mean you have to sleep with him"
next time, write it on your vagina so its more effective.
Think of something healthy and responsible. Now think of the exact opposite, let's do the latter
Yeah that doesn't involve enough booze, count me out
I have 13 missed calls from when I slept outside on some rocks
He can't say no, it's my spiritual goddamn quest.
I wanna riverboat gamble on your vaginal waters. Just sayin
See that doesn't work because we've had sex so its awkward for you to call me mom
Randomize
