Imagine two people making love on top of a unicorn . . . my life is the opposite of that.
Just once id like a girl to say to me in the dracula voice, i want...to suck...your dick...
god is playing jersey shore on new years on purpose. he wants me to play drinking games and die. i wish he knew how serious this is.
I Never golf you the sypdu of andrew. The one o will marry. The one j plwgded my last breath up. The one I pledged everything I live forbworh to. I love him more than life itself
There are taser marks on me. Your face flashed before my eyes when i woke up and saw them.
Hypothetical question: how bad would bacardi be as an IV drip?
death...100% death...what r u planning.
we've coined the Sunday morning ritual of taking out our puke-filled trash cans as The Trash Of Shame
how did my horoscope know i was too hungover to operate a stove.
Guess who won a bet and gets to name it Optimus prime if it's a boy
Nevermind. Totally worth it.
I'm doing laundry from this weekend.. That poor shirt I wore to the rave smells like a dead animal that rolled in weed and pain..
I would recommend NOT getting ass enhancement shots.
I could definitely fill a shot glass w my cum
please don't
Had to lock my cat in the bathroom so I could masturbate in peace.
I'm all about clean living these days
You started your day with fried chicken and a bloody
... after you woke up in your own urine
I am still worried she'll have a seizure durring. What would I do? Try to ride it out and finish, or pull out and assist?
Randomize
