Dude. I just woke up without a shirt or bra on. Apparently I fell asleep with a quesadilla in my mouth. I can feel my liver hating me.
If only Ben were 51% gay instead of 49%
I hid a 6pack in the microwave for later
I knew I liked you
dude i just saw a topless girl trying to get into her locked car. im moving here
Drunken horseback riding is the absolute worst decision i've ever made in my life.
Just watched porn on a 60 inch plasma screen TV... So that's where the clitoris is
Because you know it would be fucking amazing to get trashed and shatter the dreams of 12 year old girls. I might get a shirt.
Oh eartly, In cocy youtu youchv make the wallflowers d tskunks!y, couch protection now,.sryou should feel special !
I want to lick his teeth again. Is that a creepy thing to say?
you were like "guys ... i think i got fingered while dancing tonight"
our poor poor cab driver
Your stories are the best. I feel like you're a spy among the heteros. It's not fair.
My sunday was babysitting three big, drunk, crying Swedes. Unless your day involved four or more giant drunk swedes I don't want to hear about it.
I just smoked a bowl alone and took my Zyrtec here's to a full night.
I'm currently trying to figure out a way to fill the bathtub up with mashed potatoes so when he comes over he'll know what's about to hit him..
I just sharted for the first time in my life. Age 33. Lying in bed. Sober. 2021 is off to a great start!
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