If i could bang her from 80ft away, I would
do you ever lay in the bath and watch the blood hit the water?
EWW. Don't discuss your period with me. You can go shave your back now.
just took my ibuprofen with ramen broth, yay college
this boner is fucking legendary. i should name it and celebrate its birthday every year
Ok just don't go to jail. I saw your account balance. It can't take that.
remind me to get a blood sugar test this week. I'm pretty sure I'm a mojito away from diabetes.
He said female orgasms are a myth and refuses to even try to give me one.
She kept sniffing my sweater and tried to guess what type of detergent I use.
Oh no I would never do that to her. But when you're single again let me know. Cheating penis is definitely better than single penis. But she has claws.
I just want to let you know how hung over I am today and I fucked a girl in a kangaroo costume last night.
You're like the Mr. T of my A-team, only less gold jewelry and more pitying of fools.
That's the nicest thing anyone has said to me all day.
Youre not supposed to get arrested if your parents fly you home for christmas!
True but this has the bonus of them maybe not wanting to fly me home next year, im good with that didnt wanna go in the first place.
do you know of a way I can die but like NOT die? like not being unconcious, just ascending to an astral plane for a few weeks or months in real world time so i can sort my issues out away from the rigors of life kinda deal, you know?
Please god tell me you aren't pregaming your date alone.
ok first of all what the fuck
Randomize
