2:45a: Any chance you got 3000 bucks on you?
I texted him to clear the air a bit, apologized if I freaked him out. No reply. So I'm gonna go ahead and fuck someone in a barn tonight.
Yeah..And after he fingered me, he wiped it on my face and laughed.
Last night, my friend changed all my contacts in my phone. I have been texted by Batman, Donatello, and Hermione Granger. I have no idea who they are, and it doesn't upset me at all.
People Are Arguing Over This Guy’s Petty Reaction To Splitting Lunch With His Co-Worker
My T9 text prediction thing keeps predicting every next word is going to be "midgets".
bouncer thought i was tryin to get the license plate numbers of strippers to stalk them. I had to go show him where I threw up to get back in.
His appology was" look at it this way, at least you'll give better head without those teeth.'
Honestly, It follows the same rules as Cock Roulette.
It looks like the misc $300 credit card fraud might have been our taxi cab driver who wouldn't take boobs as payment. No wonder...
Girl Logs Into Twitter Only To Find Out Her Dad Is Trending For The Most Outrageous Reason
I dont think that yelling at the medic "Christmas is gone, fuck off santa" was the best idea when you couldnt feel your legs.
We woke up at 7:30am. We got a 30 rack, yelled at all the freshman shackers walkin back to their dorms, played a game of beer die, and boned all before 11:00am. I found my soulmate
I got "plug" during family Catch Phrase and struggled to not make a reference to butt plug so I skipped it
When she introduced her friend to me I shook his hand and told him not to leave his ugly vest at my apartment in the morning. He took it off and bought me a shot.
Fuck baseball, getting drunk and playing with kittens is the REAL national pasttime
I'm 80% sure I have pink eye. This is my penance for being a homewrecker.