dear santa what can i do with your candy cane?
Incredible sex, Maddow, more sex, spoon, sex again
Take 3 tylenol pms and try to whack off before you pass out. It's impossible.
I hope you have a really shitty weekend. I love you.
Just 30 Funny Tumblr Posts About Starbucks
i just saw a homeless guy running after a pigeon, catch it and put it in his jacket pocket. I'm not sure if the bird is now his pet or dinner!
Omg. Well, welcome to Oakland...
I don't know what kind of drugs you were on last night but you kept trying to highlight my face because you said I was important
If I had a quarter for every time I had sex in your bed while you were out of town, I would probably be a lot more willing to buy you new sheets. Hope you're having a nice vacation.
Found you in the bushes with fireworks, a teacup and no shoes. Decided it was a bad time to wake you.
oh, i've got big weekend plans. on an unrelated note, do you think viagra will work if the guy is roofied?
18 People Are Kind Of A**holes But Also Completely Hilarious
He changed his profile picture to him as a baby. Definitely a turn off. This will help in my "don't-be-a-slut-endeavors"
i am one UTI away from banning your fingers from my vagina
Now I'm ashamed that I wore a bra
It was like 10 tiny penises being shoved in my vagina.
Puke-y regrets or just things-seem-far-away regrets?
Wait... why were you finger painting at one in the morning?