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I will die if light touches me.
you dont know how to answer ppls txts anymore?!?
im sorry, i don't get text messages.
My mom just got knocked over by a rollerblader. I'm trying not to laugh, bc my family looks pretty concerned
So he flipped me over and suddenly went limp then told me he was thinking about his ex.
so you punched his junk, right?
I thought I was at a rave until the paramedics started chasing me. You win again tequila.
i just googled "who won the civil war" . how can i still have a 97% in this class?
we went to sleep in different beds and woke up spooning. alcohol truly is the anti-cockblocker.
def just vomited mimosa in the gym trashcan. i weigh less already so i say its been a solid workout.
There is a woman in the bar breastfeeding a baby. Doing shots. Gotta love maryland Applebees.
He just slept in my bed for a couple hours and asked lots of questions about gay sex. No, I do not have his number.
Legitimately semi-blackout across the table from the governor off a chardonnay i can't even pronounce.
Found out why I didn't have to go drug test. My boss grew pot to pay for grad school.
quick, send me a pic of a fat chick eating ice cream in a bikini. no joke, no questions, just do it.
Gravity stopped and i'm discussing Greek philosophy with two guys I don't know. There's someone asleep on me. We need to use their dealer.
I thought my ass was sore from the gym then I realized it was from being spanked. Confusing time in my life.
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