i went to disney world today with my friends, met snow white, then saw her later at a bar. she is naked next to me in her bed, passwed out. when you wish upon a star...
I have a masturbator in my 5th grade class. the teacher told me ever since they caught him humping the desk in 2nd grade, they haven't been able to control him. he's even on medication but he will just do it in class
The university put out a message about those missing salt and pepper shakers... You should at least give back 60 of them.
I woke up in my own vomit, a chunk of cactus in my thigh, shirtless, with jons mom poking at me with a glass of dr pepper and a talk about god....damn alcohol
I just offered a homeless man a meal from McDonald's, and he replied "I don't eat McDonald's food". That is the epitome of "begger's can't be choosers."
Either I'm spending too much time drinking or my perfume is starting to smell like a pineapple vodka.
He took the bartender's challenge and took a Jello shot with a tarantula frozen inside.
It was awful. Their identical twins so it was like having sex with Jeff wearing a wig and shaved legs.
He equated my biology degree to a belief in Santa. I wonder if he heard the doors to my vagina clanging shut.
Okay I take that back some girl just said pussy sweat. Get me outta here
Great sex, the promise of us mixing our excellent genetics in the future, and access to drugs are mainly what's holding this relationship together at the moment
She knocked me and my drink to the ground with her ass. I have never been mad at someone for having a glorious booty.
Lets just say I tried to pinky promise the cop... So I was fucked up.
CALL ME OLD FASHIONED BUT PEE IS FOR TOILETS
I think my FWB just broke up with me and i don't know how I feel about that
Randomize
