Defrosting my mini wheats in the microwave was a bad choice
I did the walk of shame to church this morning.
hooker boots and all?
Yep. People looked at me like I was the prodigal daughter returning home. Full of sins but welcome anyway.
That's cool how's he been?
He got hit in the face with a beer bottle so he has two black eyes and 13 stitches.. He hasnt changed much.
well I mean we knew we had more drinkers than runners, so we had a "case race for the cure" for relay for life instead of an actual marathon. day drinking and philanthropy. can't go wrong.
I didn't think moms care packages could get better than greygoose, weed & double stuffed oreos, but she just snet me a chocolate bar full of mushrooms.
A kid in my class brought a George Foreman and cooked food mid lecture. When the prof found out, all the kid did was ask if he wanted some.
Need help. Super baked. Stuck on couch. Dying of thirst. Bring paint thinner or something to pry me off. Only thumbs and neck work.
You can't find true love with Budweiser and a futon
Tell her this is the Disneyland of penises.It's a magical place everyone should visit once in their life.
Stop saying "make it happen". I'm not gonna say "hey, you should get naked with your sister and roll around together while I penetrate you both"
Yes. Do not say that. That will not make it happen.
Still. Make it happen
Hungover, threw up in a cosmetic case in my car this morning. This is real life.
I knew you were super hungover. But so hungover you fire our house cleaner because her vacuums too loud is excessive
I was drunk and on Craigslist.. The drunk-text offers people got must have been either horrifying or glorious
I'm not sure if 14 year old me would be disappointed or proud that I fucked him behind her middle school??
you walked 30 min all the way back to the dorms at 2am?
i was more bummed that i dropped all my skittles.
Randomize
