you said youd get me home safely, you dropped me off at 9:30 last night and i just woke up on my porch.
if you do not get any action from him tonight, I am personally walking my drunk ass over there grabbing his tongue and sticking it in your mouth. this is getting ridiculous
Can you bring me a pair of sunglasses to the bathroom please... Don't judge me.
Tell him I thought his Superman stand on your bed and cum all over your back was quite funny
Apparently from about 3-5AM I was consoling that crying stripper about her life choices.
I just realized I slept with a guy who used the pickup line "do you have a bandaid? I skinned my knee when I fell for you."
friends are allowed to bang on New Years, I read it on the Internet somewhere.
The name of the man in your bed is not Ryan. I can't remember what his name is but that is wrong
Blowing a married man is so much more important than a 12 year olds basketball game.
Both guys that I'm dating were waiting for me in the parking lot after work. Literally the most awkward situation I have ever been in
Maybe they'll dismiss me from jury duty after they smell beer on me. You can't keep me in a cage and then give me an hour and a half long lunch break next to a beer fest and expect sobriety.
I was christened with Fireball shots by some guy at the bar. I'm practically Jesus now.
When I woke up I had 6 missed calls making sure I was ok and asking if I remember showing my tits to a picture of her baby.
So... Sex in my rain boots last night. Trashy or a great show of character?
If it was with a guy, trashy. Sex with a girl is never trashy.
i fucked his best friend. once right next door to him. i'm pretty sure that could be called sweet revenge.
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