my little brother just caught me blowing my step cousin in the lobby bathroom at our family reunion
anyone who says 'i love you' and then followed by 'im going to call the cops if you touch me' doesnt really mean the first part fyi
just found a sign outside my brothers door "not going to church, don't even try" and he is covered is vomit in his bed.
Tell her you can forgive her unacceptable behavior because her dad and his dog weren't married when they conceived her.
about to get into a hot tub with three cops. this cant go well
quit making up holidays to get me to go drinking with you
I kept petting the scarves and telling customers to "feel that shit"
Stop drinking at work.
I'm about to initiate a game of drunk UNO.
Drunk UNO has officially been banned from now until forever.
Wait. Wine + Crossbow..?
In the middle of our bar crawl last night we stopped to pet dogs at a dog park. who would let a drunk person bet play with their dog???
Yo whoever left a thong on the dining room table, first of all get help second of all please remove it now
Let's take a shot for every time we've said "I don't want to get that drunk tonight"
I got fucked in a bat mobile this morning. Being slutty rules.
Do you know how hard it is to have sex on an air matress while there are people sleeping in the same room?!?!?
I WILL go to space. And if we find aliens I WILL fuck one. It’s the Marine Corps way
Randomize
