It's not a real calculator it's a math calculator
I can't get into him, he looks really young. I'd feel like I was blowing the Gerber baby.
Kristen just told everyone at the bar that I've got a huge dick, now Brittany is giving me the eye. What is the opposite of FML?
Your remote is drenched in lotion and you expect me to believe you weren't masturbating?!
When I opened my laptop there was a half eaten little debbie oatmeal cream pie inside.
im never drinking wine from a person in a wet suit and goggles ever again.
the best thing about long term relationship is that the fact that i bothered to shave my legs today counts as a valentines gift
not sure if I should be concerned that my brother just stormed into my room and looked at me with a serious face and said, "I'm a peacock, you have to let me fly." oh, vicodin...
There is a dude in a thong with a Nerf axe having battles in the street. Welcome to Portland
My roommate just walked in with a case of beer locked himself in his room and told us he was going to masturbate his feelings away...
I'm not even pretending to study anymore. I'm straight up sleeping in the library
I just got the two most enjoyable things in life in one... Weed delivered in bubble wrap.
I'm so excited you texted me but I'm way to high to process it
I'm naked in a forest ranger station right now
I got a discount on the lube for giving the cashier focaccia bread from work.
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