Apparently he's taking the slut he cheated on me with on a cruise for her birthday. THAT COULD HAVE BEEN ME. TITANTIC STYLE.
Puked in the trees at home depot, I told everyone it was fertilizeerr
Dick in my face. Dick in my face. Dick in my face. Dick in my face. Dick in my face. Dick in my face. Dick in my face. Dick in my face.
Somewhere between the 30 minutes of cunnilingus, the improvised song about the Olympics, and the super thoughtful shower beer... I knew I married the right guy
Last time he went to Europe, every time he started drinking he would wake up in a different country with no memory. There is no way he can be tour leader.
My saliva right now is around 7.6% alcohol/volume.
ERIN AND I ARE GETTING MATCHING VIBRATORS. I'M PEER PRESSURING YOU INTO JOINING THE CLUB. Besides we're the three best friends that anyone could have, you better not ruin that by being a pussy and not treating your pussy to awesomeness. That is all.
Sorry bro I thought you were kidding. If I'm actually jerking off I usually said "Just a sec getting dressed" or something
just once I'd like to not pass out before we leave the designated pre-drinking place
Believe me honey Imma fuck the discount out of at least one plastic surgeon in my life
I knew you were cut off when you tried to order a "Phil Collins"
Sorry this is the worst night of your life and that you're being a baby about it.
it’s not easy to sexualize brunch. work with me, babe.
I feel like I might be the only person I know who eats bundles of radishes in-between orgasms from their vibrator.
Apparently I have a "problem" because I enjoy doing bong rips in the shower
Randomize
