I just had to explain to the pharmacy cashier that the Plan B and thank you notes I was buying were not related.
I wish costco sold astroglide.
i wish my brain was less awake, and didn't try and picture what you were talking about.
Turns out you're obligated under man law to share any passwords you may have for porno sites
Is that what they're teaching u at that bar review class?
I dated that bitch for 9 months and didnt get as much as a hand job. I met her sister last night for the first time and smashed that...twice
I respect that
Babe, the 4 years we've been together have been amazing. Will you marry me?
are you seriously doing this over text message
hahaha no, but i am dumping you.
I got kicked out of an open bar wedding reception. The bride "felt threatened" by my presence. Not my fault she's ugly
It was a deal breaker when she told me not to wear a condom and god would decide if we were meant to be together.
I said we should get a taxi and you were waving down cars, three of which were cops and one of them slowed down and shook his head then kept driving
He didn't think we needed a taxi
You know it's been awhile when the imagery of fucking AT A DENNY'S gets me really turned on.
I literally got so drunk last night, I texted myself "porpoises" and that was it. I have no recollection of this.
well apparently i was just calling everyone cunts. then i awoke from my blackout to 3 very mad roommates who didn't bring a key out with them
I literally just told you I found out I masturbate in my sleep. I think we can be snapchat friends again
What's the plan?
Not sure. I think I'll take a dump on his windshield.
I was having a dream that I was swimming in a pool filled with melted chocolate but woke up to find I had poured chocolate milk all over my body
I woke up and there was a huge blow up palm tree in my bed...
Randomize
