I think the only thing that impresses me are nice penises...and Jesus. Jesus would impress me. Especially if he walked on water again.
I have no morals, kinda like you have no standards
None
then they high fived as they party boyed me. I was a policewoman sandwhich. I love you halloween.
My dealer, who also happens to be a male stripper, just invited me to watch him perform tonight. Boundaries buddy, boundaries.
we boned then he told me that he had a thing for my gay roommate. worst night ever
If anyone could figure out how to pee on someone's soul, it would be you.
You always know what to say to make me feel better.
woke up holding a soft boiled egg cup and empty bottle of rum. apparently i couldn't find a shot glass
I don't know what that means. But if you take off your pants, you'll probably get arrested.
Well the weed wore off around 10:30 and then the date dragged on until about 1 in the morning. So I've decided I really need to start smoking closer to the actual start time of a date. Then maybe they'd be more bearable.
Just found out i over drew my checking account on a 711 hot dog
Do u remember buying that
I remember eating it on the curb like a drunken hobo
Doing 9 month old dishes in my bath tub. These dishes literally had enough time to gestate a human child
This morning I woke up in the entrance of a retirement home. Memory fragments from last night: making it rain with the contents of my wallet over the bridge, getting hit by a car, and a lot of running.
I can't wait til me and pit bull can just be together
Um. Did you take a picture of me with a giant dildo after we went bowling?
He ate me out while I was playing bejeweled. It was the greatest moment of my life.
Randomize
