So I tried to call my phone from his phone and was like, "hey, my name is not in here..I thought you had my number" turns out he has my number saved as "gives good head"
Every good night starts with white castle burgers and shots in the parking lot.
Just checked my bank account while shitting blood. Neither action felt good when I was done.
you told grandpa to call you daddy
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Sorry I was drunk and left blood all over your back seat I was pretending to be in private Rayan and used your thong as a bandage
So if you ever need to know a guy who knows a guy who knows a guy that can put a 24oz beer can up his ass... Hit me up...
when you wake up in a apartment hallway wearing someone else's shoes, you can pretty much assume last night was a success.
If for no other reason than to cuddle with that puppy, you have to hook up with him again.
I woke up with the Dorothy costume at my ankles, both sparkly red shoes on, and clutching ToTo....we're not in Kansas anymore, dude
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I found three vicadin and a pint of fireball with the note. In case of emergency drink me under their sink.
FRIENDS DON'T LET FRIENDS WASTE THE LAST ADDERALL.
I gave you chlamydia, you gave me a concussion. Now we're even.
MY LIFE IS A TRAINWRECK THATS ON FIRE BUT SOMEHOW STILL MOVING, I HAVE THE RIGHT TO SCREAM OUTSIDE AT 2AM
You wouldn't happen to know why there's an inflatable monkey riding a mattress on my roof would you?
I don't know who's idea it was to get wine for a frat party but my poor pitiful hung over self really fucking hates them.
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