In a few years, 50 babies 50 states. Like it?
dude. late night with jimmy fallon isnt even funny. the people in the audience there to see him dont even think hes funny.
kinda like you and your friends.
I think any school that has COCKS written on it's baseball hats has their priorities straight.
Is it sad that I find it completely normal that I just took batteries out of a vibrator to put them in a pencil sharpener so I could do homework?
I find this completely acceptable.
I'm wearing the bright blue sombrero all through the airport as a sign of triumph that I survived spring break. I'm getting compliments
Who ate shrimp cocktail in my bathroom last night?
say 'i' if you broke up a fight involving your father at TD bank today....
whenever he tweets that he wants to get blackout it's like a neon sign for "i want to bang you tonight"
Oh my god I forgot there were Band-Aids on my nipples
I drank beer out of some sort of animal horn all night, then we fucked to a "viking metal" album. I feel like I should go pillage something to complete the Norse trifecta.
My mom is selling her car. I'm secretly relieved I won't ever have to tell her about that time you puked in it
Did you know that pizza hut has a wedding proposal box? And sorry for being kinda drunk yesterday when you got here
Finally hooked up with her. She bought me tacos after because "she can do better in a bed". You're gonna be my best man.
I'm making myself the patron saint of bisexuality
That Spanish guy who looks like Ben Affleck from that club we went to 3 weeks ago is still texting me.. He clearly doesn't remember what I look like.
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