does your mom think i'm crazy? i just realized i played both the gay dad and the ex-jew card tonight. i blame the wine
So, I woke up to an empty bottle of scotch and a dead car. The last thing I remember are the strippers being mad at me. Awesome night.
Feels good to be wearing underwear again though...
Shark Week may as well be Shark Weed.
HAH. HARRY POTTER CASUAL CONVO HAS BEEN EXTENDED TO DISCUSSING WEATHER. SO PRO
I did my dad and i had to keep going back there to pick up coffee
please read the first 4 words of that text and consider punctuation
Well, i'm not sure how that works so i wish both you and your vagina luck on your voyage.
He told me that if his bed could talk, it'd write a medical journal. Guess it's too late to worry about that now.
This is the third time that ive slept with him. He bought me more milk. I can feel the romance growing.
He bought segways. We ride them when we get drunk. Last night he ran through the sliding glass door.
Your ability to whip out your dick and take a pic anytime I text you is startling.
I think I need to see a chiropractor after giving that blow job
That moment when you realize the hot british guy named rory you drunkenly made out with at a bar is American, is named Tyler, and has a girlfriend.
I apologize in advance for the amount of cleavage I'll be exposing your boyfriend to.
He took a girl home at like eight, fucked her, kicked her out, came back to the bar, and repeated the process again at 10:30 and 2:30. THREE GIRLS IN ONE NIGHT. ALL PICKUPS. I HATE HIM.
I'm ready to run through the streets naked yelling "HES ALIVE!"
Randomize
