Just heard someone use the phrase "slut mustard" in a sentence. Win.
I am far too drunk to be making a tuna melt . There's blood EVERYWHERE.
so literally, as soon as i tripped and fell and hit the floor the earthquake started. hows THAT for a self esteem boost?
My new apartment is within walking distance of both the liquor store and the chinese buffet. This is either going to be my worst life choice ever or my best.
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i officially have more pictures of his dick than pictures of us together
I keep having to talk dad out of putting tequila in the milkshakes.
Just told him about my threesome. if that doesn't make him want to date me nothing will.
I have been running off of weed, alcohol, and Mexican food. What is Tallahassee.
He tried to fight me not realizing that I work as a bouncer in the the same bar we were in. His night ended with him in handcuffs, missing teeth, PLUS I got his shots that he ordered since he didn't get to drink them.
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I woke up to him peeling the skin on my stomach from my sunburn. If he wasn't so good in bed I'd be a little freaked out.
Dude she said she'd let me snort a line off her ass now I just have to wait for them to break up
I want you to read this conversation tomorrow and be proud of the fact that you taught me how to decipher any drunk message. Good job.
Oh yeah and one of the strippers brought you chips and water when you were passes out next to the toilet. So that was nice
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If she gets mad at me, that only means more free time for me. I like to put myself I win win situations. Despite being in a relationship, I still find ways to accomplish my goals.