I woke up this morning with I hate myself feeling
I'm going to write a book about John. It's going to be called big dreams, little dick
My low point of the night was when my roommate spit out her jello shot and i took it...
please tell me you remember why "7 days" is written above my bed in red marker
I'm at the bass pro shop. They have a river full of trout and turtles, a shooting range, a full bar, and the patriots cheerleaders are here. I now understand why people are rednecks. I may never leave
failed my one goal of the day: wake up before 2 pm.
I don't know, Alex. I don't know. I lost my keys, my debit card, my makeup bag, broke my purse, had to have someone cut my shoe off, I have no idea where my costume is. I woke up next to the biggest douchebag I know and made out with this other guy while SIMULTANEOUSLY talking on the phone to the guy I'm talking to...
Sober me admires drunk me's enthusiasm, but there is no way I'm going to make it out there today.
Lol drunk you is so full ideas and happy. Sober you is full of grumpy reality.
You forgot the part where I played Slip and Slide with my own puke and fucked up my knee.
I'm fucking a man old enough to be my father who is also dating my boss. What have you done with your life?
So i had a feeling this dude with one leg in a wheelchair was following me around Walmart turns out I was right. He just asked for a picture of my feet.
i mean i let him but still...
Broke my ankle and blacked out on my scooter last night. 'Twas grand.
I have to make calls today at work. So I'm gonna call your phone and leave some random messages. Just delete them.
the gnome is staring at me and the pineapple is wearing shorts. I don't want to do this anymore.
The cat's telling me to stop taking acid, and to start doing the lords work. I'm almost 99% sure he's talking about the dark lord.
THIS CAT'S GOING TO TURN INTO A SNAKE AND KILL ME! GET OVER HERE NOW! BRING YOUR WAND.
Randomize
