Pish posh, there's never a bad time to eat food off my body.
Woke up this morning with one boob drawn on to look like the globe. Questionable?
Saw a pregnant woman get a lap dance last night. I love the south.
im so glad i don't have to work tomorrow. I'm spendin all night on the new call of duty.
Wow. That's the gayest thing you ever said.
Look man i'm staying in playing videogames and growing a beard. Its not like i'm trying to get a girlfriend.
complete strangers are now referring to me as 'the bourbon guy.' i can live with this.
I think I should receive an honorary Heisman... I mean, I did sleep with two of the finalists
Hundreds of bug bites..Dad jokingly says "looks like you passed out naked in the woods somewhere"
Also, I think I'm too drunk to be at the gym right now. But how sober do you need to be for IM volleyball?
He told me I was his first American. I feel like I should've brought a flag to plant on him.
Sex is always the answer.
Especially if the question is: what have I not had this year?
I was going through my settings and the phone randomly started playing "Crazy Little Thing Called Love" by Dwight Yoakum. Out loud. At full volume. I was shitting. There were 3 other people in the bathroom. I love iOS 7.
We've been staking out a taco bell for 2 hours trying to find last night's one night stand
Only you would offer whiskey to a man in liver failure.
Did you guys just have three hour sex? You both stopped and restarted texting me at the same time
If I were to say yes, would we still be friends?
Try me, you 5'5 gremlin
Randomize
