I think my fart just growled at me.
i would rather give Shaq a handjob than take this accounting final
I found her under my bed eating airplane pretzels.
Fuck. That. I'm gonna get drunker and make them regret they EVER put me at the kids table. I'm a MAN.
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It was just a squirrel
You act like its normal to see a squirrel in the bar
they pretty much knew i was there to get drunk and fuck their daughter
He wanted to take a picture with our pizza to show his mom that I was pretty but more importantly that he practices in "sober" activities
Can we just ponder our lives for a second.
No I think my brain may implode in a puff of cocaine and sparkles.
they were having sex on the toilet apparently and everytime someone knocked they flushed. it was like an auditory scoreboard of sex duration.
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Free tacos and bad night are never used in the same sentence
he kept opening the car door while we were ON THE HIGHWAY and insisting he could walk. next time i drive my boss home at 3am i'm putting the child lock on
WAIT MOM THIS DOESNT NEED TO BE A FAMILY EVENT OK AARON DOESNT NEED TO BE AROUND FOR NIPPLEGATE 2014
I have banged to "The Emperor's New Groove" way more than could possibly be reasonable.
I went to an adult Halloween party last night dressed as Mrs. Doubtfire, but I woke up on a stranger's couch surrounded by sleeping children in karate gi's. And I accidentally flushed my granny wig mid-puke, so if they wake up I'm gonna have to convince them that I'm just a weird older man and not a terrible cross dresser.
How did you come to this point in your life?
Good bartenders.
Are you aware that you called your mom to say hi before you dragged the random guy into bed last night?
Randomize