I swear if she hugs me I'm going to bleach my body
I think she faked a seizure to get out of it ...
It took him an hour to realize I wasn't this "Sarah" girl, and by then he was already crying and eating pizza rolls.
I woke up this morning to my house being turned into a bad European dance club at 8:30am. Do you know what "UNS UNS UNS" sounds like at 8:30am? Murder. It sounds like murder.
There should be a rule. If your dick is under 6 inches, you are not allowed to dress as Thor.
Overheard-"sex" and "giblet gravy" in the same sentence. Best thanksgiving ever.
He's getting Easter eggs filled with weed or Jell-O shots for his birthday
I should not be this drunk in a place where a girl is wearing a princess dress
He sent me a 2am email the just said "Ping". Nerdiest booty call ever.
Woke up eating a pickle on the bathroom floor this morning in some random guys sweat pants.
I tried to take a cute nude but sneezed halfway through. I sent it anyway
So there I was, eye fucking the waiter and I spilled beer all down my boobs
You know more about his cock specs than his childhood. Proud of you
So congratulations, your penis has now sent me to urgent care not once, but twice!
I CAN SEE SO MANY PENISES. There are so many visible penises here.
Where are you???
Yoga class :(
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