im as drunk as the barefoot contessa. GET TO MY LEVEL
dude. stop pregaming the food network.
When my kids ask how I lost my virginity Im going to have to tell them of a mythical thing called "Myspace" and how strangers could lure you into their "den of love" thanks to clever quotes and graphics
He said i was a degenerate twofaced catholic slut and a grade a bitch. Quite complimentary really. i guess i shouldn't insult the red wings
Im going to bring a boy home tonight, and not tell him that I have my period. So when he tries to fuck me, I say no, and look really classy. Then he thinks I'm marriage material. So I give him head.
found the other keg... it's in the tree
I gained confidence after I found out she was a lesbian. At least that way I could flirt with her and convince her to buy me taco bell after the bar
Puked in the trees at home depot, I told everyone it was fertilizeerr
Apparently I was proudly showing him the cup I barfed pizza rolls into
I have the WORST cramps EVER. I think this is gods way of saying 'you're welcome, last warning. stop being a slut.'
YOU DRINK NOW BECAUSE YOU ARE A STRONG INDEPENDENT WOMAN WHO DOESN'T NEED A DRINKING PARTNER
Screaming "dámelo" at the bottle of scotch was definitely my best and worst moment of Cinco de Mayo 2015.
Just threw up in the trash can at my desk. I guess "beating the hangover" eventually leads to this.
I just discovered that jello shots are the best hangover cure
You said that last night when you did jello shots at 4am
I just broke into my house with a butter knife. It kinda scares me just how easy that was.
Sorry I missed your birthday party. I caught a dick and rode it to O-Town
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