whats the name of the jew you used to have sex with that lives on evergreen?
be more specific...?
dude...i just woke up in ****'s bed!
doesn't he have a girlfriend???
yeah...who do you think woke us up...
So. Did i wake up at 430, try to drive home, stop to throw up at a shell, and try to clean out my car and drop my keys in a full dumpster? Yes.
I haven't been able to trust a girl since spanks came out
george bush was a better president for first pitches than barack obama. there. i said it.
It was the gentlest way I could hit on a girl who just got hit by a car
On a side note I think I burnt my eyebrow when we "teter-totered" into the fire
I'm high and craving hash browns from McDonalds. Please pick me up. I also would like a hug and a supportive pat on the back when you get here. Thanks.
Its two in the afternoon. McDonalds don't sell hash browns at 2 in the afternoon. Whore. The hug I can provide however.
I hear the sound of that stray bird you rescued from the kitchen but am too busy drunkenly masturbating to feed it
So what's the moral standing on reading gay porn on your phone whilst sitting next to your 87 year old Grandma?
I'm just trying to absorb as much of the fluids from the carpet as I can.
well his attempt to make a white russian with instant coffee, gone off milk, and that weird probably illegal vodka we bought the other day isnt going well
Wouldn't life be so much easier if you could just walk up to attractive men and say, "Let me bear your children" and it wouldn't be creepy?
Or possibly end in a restraining order?
I can't give advice right now, I have a yeast infection.
I wonder how horrible I look to customers. There's cuts all over my face and I can't talk.
What are the cuts from? Head-butting the bathroom light fixture?
Honestly that's best case scenario.
Randomize
