bitch so ugly she owes me an erection
is it weird that i blow-dry my hair and poop at the same time?
not any weirder than you telling me this at 4 in the morning
At the bar dressed as a taco. not a typo. Come down.
He introduced me to his parents as the girl he made out with on Thursday night...
...and all my boxers are outside in the snow because????
He snuck out of bed at 9 am and came back with pizza and a bottle of wine. I think I'm in love!
Adderal just makes me love life. I want to do so much. I just can't stop thinking about all the wonderful opportunities we have and how lucky we are and I want to make a difference in the world. I just have to reign in my brain and convince it that changing the world starts with a college degree, which depends on studying for these finals.
I feel that shower jager is exactly what this man needs after last night.
You're a disgrace to gay men everywhere.
The plan is that you eat an edible first, then pressure your dad to do one. You know you are down.
So hungover. Have a black eye from where I tried to brush my teeth and stabbed myself in the eye instead. Should make the performance review I was stress drinking about go so much better.
Came home plastered at 8am. Roommate had hot glued all the ashtrays and various items to their surfaces. Couldn't handle it. Went back to the bar.
Just woke up to find that I'd left a stove burner on for the past 6 hours or so. I'm now banned from Ambien cooking.
Also, do you have any insight as to WHY I have a note saved from the 17th of June that reads *clears throat*, "you got that swanky blues libido"
I think I was judged by a squirrel this morning during the walk...
I miss painting strippers for Christmas. Holidays not the same without glitter and body paint
I'll be your substitute stripper tonight.
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