i just got arrested. apparently dont move means dont move.
Whats a good hint for stop bitching im gonna give you head
She brought an overnight bag to my party. Might as well have shown up wearing only a thong and a bottle of whip cream in her hand.
She tased me when I walked in the door. Thought I was trying to steel her weed.
The stripper just invited me to take shots with him out at his car after he gets off stage.. I mean why not? I've already seen everything he's got and it'll be easy to get him naked.
Hey guy that stepped on my foot, don't slap my ass to apologize.
Rule number one to being a good adult: don't use your vagina as an icebreaker. Just some wisdom I thought I'd pass down from experience.
Bring me that man meat
Send me a picture of our booze closet. I'm homesick.
Sometimes having a penis is like having a really stupid drunk best friend. You see it doing dumb shit but you're just not the one in charge.
woke up to my little sister's best-friend's boyfriend in my bed, but how's your saturday going?
I RAN OVER A NUN! I RAN OVER A FUCKING NUN! GOD WILL NEVER FORGIVE ME FOR MY SINS NOW!!!
Not this time. I'm drinking in my sweatpants which means I've given up for the day and shouldn't be in public.
so at target i bought condoms, on sale undies, pasta roni, and martini mix. the old lady who rang me up asked "honey are you a freshman?" yea lady i am, thanks.
look, bitch. one day when everyone i care about deserts me for my severe moral depravity, you're going to be the only one i have.
i can't wait.
Randomize
