there's a booger on my laptop, i suspect it's yours
Caught my drug dealer jacking off. I think this is a new step in our relationship
The fact that you think you peed off a roof shows you shouldn't have been on a roof.
They knew I had a party because the refrigerator settings were different, but they don't notice that we installed a new toilet seat so it's okay.
Is this one of those "if you didnt give such good head we couldn't be friends" moments?
He is just a personification of a vodka hangover.
Yes. Sex with questionable women, and made of potatoes.
I just did something so unspeakable in the panera bathroom that their health score dropped 10 points.
I just watched our fat male neighbor dibble a soccer ball across the lawn. It looked like Baywatch with diabetes
YOU CHEATED ON ME WITH THE WOMAN THAT IS STAYING AT YOUR HOUSE. FORGIVE ME IF IM NOT THINKING YOUR A DEDICATED BOYFRIEND.
Is there a greeting card for "I can't keep being The Other Woman"?
I didn't even respond. Just letting the crazy settle before I calmly fuck his shit up.
I'm too depressed to drink my wine. That is what I would call a serious problem
When was the last time you got laid?
When was the last time you came home sober?
touche
Let the healthy eats/juice cleanse begin. Today is day 1
Have you cleansed yourself of the boy yet?
My boss just offered me a vodka mixed drink at work I do not have a real job
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