We walked past a group of guys in front of a bar last night and they claimed, I quote: Wow, we'd actually have to work for that.
I just saw a pregnant woman with a cigarette and a beer walking into the Larry the Cable Guy show. I'm glad my taxes are paying her medical expenses.
please quote me on this- the only thing worse than being ugly is being ugly and thinking that you're pretty
sitting in room practicing taking shots. has my life come to this?
when i was ordering pizza, the guy muffled the phone but i could clearly hear him say "its that drunk bitch again"
buying new sheets for when my mom visits. I can't in good conscious let her use the ones from last night
AND OMG I HOPE YOU ARE GREAT WITH CHILD. COOK THAT BUN!
We've reached the point in our fuck buddy relationship where we are playing words with friends. This is too intimate.
YOU STOLE THE WEDDING CAKE?!?!
Only one tier
Tastes like cardboard anyway
The one with glasses said he was keeping my bra. He had me sign it before he left and he said he would be hanging it up in his bunker. I support our troops.
We are buying drugs from a guy with a Jesus fish on his dodge caravan.
Okay let's look at your past accomplishments you've done hungover... Sat great score, academic decathlon, state for track. I think you are solid to go out tonight
We found out if you get Ben high but stay sober yourself he is an AWESOME cook. You need to get your ass down here, this goes against everything I know to be real.
Autocorrect changes "sex" to "sec". I have been so long without it my phone thinks I made a mistake.
Good, but still not as good as the guy I banged in the ball crawl
Randomize
